What am I without you?
by TheAmazingShipsAreNotOnFire
Summary: My first Phanfiction. It's tragic. WARNING: TRIGGERS ARE INVOLVED. Dan is depressed and self harms and Phil tries to help him but it ends in tragedy. Rated T for self harm, suicide and fluff. I am not good at summaries. Story is better than summary


**A/N:Hey guys. Sorry I haven't posted since December. Since I've been back at school, I've had a lot of homework. So I had to stop coming on here so I could concentrate. Anyway, my Divergent fanfic, Changing Lives, will be updated ASAP. This is a Phan one-shot. Its going to be sad. Sorry guys! ;) ~Em**

**WARNING: THIS STORY INCLUDES DEPRESSION, SELF HARM AND SUICIDE. IF THESE ARE TRIGGERS PLEASE DON'T CONTINUE TO READ!**

**Phils P.O.V:**

I wake up with a jolt. My head is pounding from the nightmare. I felt hot and sweaty. My bed sheets and duvet are on the floor. Tears are forming in the corners of my eyes. The nightmare is coming back in flashes, replaying over and over in my mind. Dan laying on the floor in a pool of blood, razor by his side. Me standing there helpless as his life slipped away. I can't live without Dan. Leaving my sheets on the floor, I walked into the bathroom to take a shower. 5 minutes later and I'm standing outside Dan's door, my hand resting on the handle. I'm debating whether to check on Dan. He's been getting more and more depressed lately. His self-harming has gotten to a point where a bandage just won't do the job of concealing it anymore, the blood just seeps through. I can't tell anyone. I promised him but ,one day, Dan might do something he regrets, like suicide. Dan needs help-professional help. I won't betray his trust; I'm his boyfriend so I will never do anything to hurt him. Gently, I push his bedroom door open. Dan's soft snores make me smile; his brown hair is ruffled, falling into his eyes. Tiptoeing to his bedside, I brush the hair out of his eyes and kiss his cheek. Dan stirs and his lips brush mine. He kisses me back passionately. Those chocolate brown eyes, sweet and beautiful flutter open. Giving me a playful smile, Dan drags me on to the bed; we pull the covers over ourselves and curl up facing each other.

After 10 minutes of uncountable, breath taking kisses, I whisper to Dan: "I'm gonna make breakfast."  
"Okay" Dan mumbles back. We both pull ourselves out of bed. Dan and I walk out together but go separate ways; me to the kitchen and him to the bathroom. I grab the carton of eggs I had accidentally left on the side last night and crack them into a bowl. I mix the eggs with a fork. While the scrambled eggs were cooking, I set out plates on the worktop with two forks. Dan smiles as he walks in, his hair perfectly straightened. Why is he so perfect? I shake my head at him;Dan looks at me, confused.  
"What?" Dan asks.  
"Really Dan, you decided to wear our own merch." I say.  
"Yes Phil, because its cool." He replies, sitting down. We laugh as I dish out the eggs; we eat in silence as usual. After breakfast, Dan pockets the car keys. I follow him to the door, kissing his soft lips multiple times. He opens the door and turns to face me.  
"I'm going for some shopping. Wanna come?" Dan asks.  
"I can't babe. I've got to edit my new video." I reply. Dan nods and gives me one last, tantalising kiss before leaving, closing the door behind him. I wander into my room and sit at my computer. This is the only thing I don't like about making YouTube videos, having to edit them.

(Page Break)

"I'm back!" Dan shouts as the front door slams shut. I don't reply; I'm too busy trying not to die on Super Mario Bros. I can hear Dan's efforts to carry carry shopping bags from the living room and it's putting me off the game so I decide to help him. It's one of the funniest and cutest things I've ever seen in my life, seeing Dan trying to carry four bags that look extremely heavy to the counter. I can't contain my laughter. Dan glares at me; the look he's giving me tells me to help him. I grab two of the bags out of his hands and drop them down on the floor. Dan did the sam. He walks to the kettle and starts to make us mugs of tea. As soon as Dan's back is turned, I kneel down and search through the bags. I immediately find what I'm looking for. The brand new pack of razors Dan has bought. I pull them out of the bag and put on a fake smile.  
"Thanks for buying razors, Dan. I needed some." I say. Dan nearly drops the mugs he's holding. Placing the mugs on the counter, he replies:  
"I bought them for me, Phil. If you need some go and buy your own." He walks around the counters so he is now facing me.  
"I forgot to tell you, I needed some." My voice is shakey.  
"That's a lie." Dan whisper.  
"Yeah it is. Dan. But I'm only trying to help you!" My voice is rising; I feel my blood boiling. Dan's voice rises too.  
"I don't need your help. I need those razors and you know why." He snatches the packet off me. I shake my head.  
"I want you to need me more than you think you need the razors." I don't want to argue anymore so I turn and start to walk away but Dan grabs my wrists and spins me back around.  
"I need you more than anything, Phil. I feel so much relief every time I pull a razor across my wrist." Dan strokes my cheek with his fingertips.  
"You'll kill yourself one day."  
"Yes I will but the world will be better off without me and you will be a lot happier." Dan looks at his shoes. How can he say that? I glare at him.  
"WHAT AM I WITHOUT YOU DAN!" I scream at him. Dan's head snaps up. He's about to answer but I interrupt him. "Nothing." I whisper. I break down, sobbing uncontrollably; Dan pulls me into a hug. After a few seconds, Dan takes a step back.  
"I'm so sorry, Phil. I'm sorry I made you feel unimportant, you are the best thing that's ever happened to me. I love you so much." Dan apologises.  
"I love you too. I'm gonna go to my room; I'm tired." I say. Dan nods and kisses me with such ferocity, I'm shocked at first but I kiss back after a few seconds. I break the connection and walk into my room.

(Page Break)

A loud thud comes from Dan's room. I roll over and check my phone. It's 11:45PM. What is Dan doing? I rush into Dan's room. I gasp and drop my phone. Dan is laying on the floor in a pool of blood, razor beside him. The slashes on his wrists are deep, a river of blood flowing steadily from both cuts. Dan groans in pain and turns his head to look in my eyes. There is no light left in those beautiful eyes.  
"I'm sorry Phil. I've let you down. Y..You... You deserve much better than me. I love you so much." Dan whispers. Then he's gone. My eyes widen, tears flowing down my cheeks. I shake Dan, trying to wake him up.  
"No. No. No! DAN WAKE UP! DON'T LEAVE ME! WAKE UP!" I sob. I search for something, anything that will help me to join Dan. I notice something orange in the corner of my eye. Turning around, I see an empty bottle of Dan's depression pills. It was the same bottle Dan had had ths morning and it had been nearly full. He had overdosed and cut. I stand up and walk to Dan's dresser; in a neat line, there are three more bottles of depression pills on there with a glass of water. I picking up my phone; going on every social networking site I can, I type out the same message: "_Dan has sadly passed away just a few minutes ago because of suicide. Dan suffered from depression for many years and this is why he committed suicide. Before I say goodbye to all our Phans and the world, I wanted to say that me and Dan dated for over a year and we loved each other. Goodbye, Phillions and Danosaurs. We loved you all. x"_ I waited until the message and sent then turned my phone off. Unscrewing the lid on one of them, I pour as many pills into my mouth as I can cram in and finish the water off. The pills kick in almost immediately. I collapse onto Dan's chest. As I take my last breaths, I try to think of any romantic lines I could say before the unknown takes me away from this world to wherever Dan is. I finally thought of one from Romeo and Juliet.  
"And thus with a kiss I die." I whisper. I kiss Dan one final time with my final breath. Darkness envelops me.

**A/N: Hey guys so I got a bit upset when writing this. I hope you all enjoyed this! I'm going to write some more Phanficiton soon. Anyway, bye for now! ~Em ;)**


End file.
